sometimes a kid you don't know writes your heart

this is my heart. as i told God this morning, i don't know how to accept Your love. i know how to believe in what i cannot see. i know i need to trust you, so i swallow my fear and jump off the cliff, telling myself Your promises will catch me. but now we've reached this stalemate. i can't deepen in my trust until i let You love me. until i'm vulnerable on a level i can't even reach myself. i have taken down all the walls i can; and there's this core of pain i can't get past. where all the run-off from years of forgiving & believing & fighting to see suffering as bringing forth good--without allowing the natural emotions that accompany those choieces to be felt--as collected and festered into this rock-solid armor. it appears to be pure titanium. i can't crack it, i can't feel it, i can't reach past it. i'm stuck. i can't truly love any deeper til i accept Yours deeper.

checkmate. i'll keep walking this walk with You, but it's gotta be Your move if we go any deeper.

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