friday}

tension

waiting, waiting, knowing pain is coming, dreading but knowing it is necessary

like a dead tree limb, waiting for the axe

NO!!! i can't do this

its not about you.

*&^!? i am in this just as much! it's equally about me as it is them...

is it?

how selfish are you?

yes. i can.

i can i will i must

for them, its best.

surrender.

letting go. tears, 9am-1am

peace.

foreknowledge provides strength. i will take the axe silently.

i can so do this, for them

saturday}

maybe not...

yes.

blank. waiting.

closing eyes. don't think.

sunday}

wrestling, intensely gripping something anything to be silent, calm, loving

to love is to cut my heart out

maybe not today.

today

i can't!

just hold it in

it wont stay in

drowning.

help help HELP!

let me up Lord! let me just get a breath of air!

just let me be calm, let me hold it together

just for the next 15 minutes

please. please. please Jesus

cracking. the answer is no.

why must i be vulnerable even now?

didn't we already do this? didn't i already let go/surrender/give this up?

why does it hurt so much then?

i thought i got the pain out...

i feel like you are holding me under Lord

foreknowledge doesn't do shit.

regrets. failing. weakness.

ache. ripping ache, wonderings

is this really You?

monday}

can.not.breathe.

Jesus

(inhale)

*ouch

thank you

(exhale)

*ouch.

for pain.

that will (*ouch) bring me to You (*ouch) that much closer. for answering the prayers that Your will be done. for loving me, for not despising me, for seeing that my heart longs to glorify you. Jesus i want to do your will. more than mine. i want to respond well, i want to make You beautiful...but the pain! i cannot deny this. for the very first time in my life. there is no faking it in the beginning. no getting it sorted out before i feel. no walls of logic. oh God thank you for understanding that this seems unendurable.

(maybe it only hurts when if i breathe)

lungs swelled, oxygen & carbon dioxide mingling in a rare moment of stilled breath...

don't let it out, don't take any in

*no relief. still burns

there is no such thing as preparation.

Jesus is too kind to allow steeled hearts to stay cold.